T-3 weeks

Thats exactly how I feel… like a dead man walking. 3 weeks from yesterday I will be driving back to Oklahoma and it feels like I am a dead man walking. Right now I am so busy packing, trying to fit in some last days of Colorado fun plus Matt and I are still living together so this still doesn’t seem real. I am also planning out things I need for my new home, getting new furniture and thinking about how I want to decorate…. which is all a good distraction currently. But really in 3 weeks I will unpack and then close a door at my new home and I will be alone. Being alone doesn’t bother me but the end of a 15 year partnership will officially be over. And I am not sure how it is going to be, I am still in denial so I am not sure how I will feel or how it will hit me HENCE dead man walking. We also still talk on the phone several times during the day, talk things out with one another so I am sure we will still talk for awhile but when that ends it will be so bizarre and sad and frankly the routine of it all will be hard to erase. Its weird when something new happens in your life…. I have nothing to draw from on how I should deal or how this will work out, this is all new to me.

Thanks for letting me ramble on today but I wake up with my head so full and I knew I had to get some of it out. Something I have also been doing is looking back and remembering the best of times. The amazing things we have gotten to do together. And honestly there are so many memories but here are a few that top the cake…..

  • Attending the World Series to see our Cardinals play!
  • Our trip to Savannah and Charleston was literally the BEST week
  • Getting to attend a private event at Fenway, watch BP and then stay for the game! Priceless
  • Matt going along with me for an overnight ghost hunt in Ohio at the actual Shawshank prison.
  • Our 10 year anniversary trip to Cabo, that entire week was a literal dream come true, we relaxed, laughed and were pampered. Out of any times if I could go back and live that week one more time I would in a minute
  • Last Summer several weekends in Georgetown together. Biking, hiking and relaxing.
  • The nights last Summer and this when we just shared a bottle of wine on our Patio, watching deer across the way and talking. Those moments are and were priceless.
  • Getting my first Tattoo with Matt as a surprise for an anniversary in Ohio.
  • ALL games! Broncos, Cards, Thunder and all the MLB stadiums we saw games at over the years!
  • This summer in Carlsbad, CA we had a date night at the local restaurant…everything about that night was perfect! The food plus just the setting was one of my absolute favorites.
  • All the weekends that either of our families came to visit in Ohio and Colorado. I loved being a hostess and tour guide.
  • Our tour of Alcatraz!
  • The few days of me golfing with Matt this Summer, drinking and just enjoying the Colorado sun! Those were fun days.
  • I loved our days spent working in the yard and garden together here in Castle Rock.
  • I LOVED making our Castle Rock house a home, a home that we loved and one that we made memories in.

Honestly there are so many more times but recalling 15 years of our shared lives takes longer than it will for me to write this post. And ya, looking back makes me sad but also makes me smile. I want to always remember those moments. I don’t ever want to not talk about them because they were shared with my “ex”husband. This has been the largest and most important chunk of my life and I don’t want to feel any need to ever forget or not remember.


  1. Janet W
    December 19, 2019 / 9:33 am

    Thanks for checking in. I’ve been wondering how you were doing. Cherishing good memories is therapeutic, thanks for sharing. Praying as you continue this path of transition.

  2. Jamie
    December 26, 2019 / 11:05 am

    Sending you all the hugs!!!!

  3. Kelli
    December 27, 2019 / 6:47 pm

    Thinking about you – hang in there.

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