I have talked before about my problem with saying what is on my mind AND not in an offensive way to others but to myself, my problem with interrupting and my tendency to generally over-sharing. What is funny is that I am aware I do all 3 which is usually the first step to getting better…. Acknowledgement. BUT for me it is like I tend to “verbally vomit”. Like before I even know it the over-sharing is flowing out of my mouth. I know you all love that analogy….
For instance, this week I went to a happy hour with a new friend and I met her 2 friends and I completely over shared. Yes, yes I am an open book and I do not think that is a bad thing but before I know it I say too much. These ladies seemed receptive and we all chatted BUT what are they going to do… be like, stop talking?! It’s as if I have no control over it but I do and I should. Then you see what happens is that I leave the happy hour or any other time this happens and I self loathe. I was mad at myself all night, I feel deep anxiety over how I portray myself and not so much regret on anything I said because I am an open book BUT why for the love of GOD do I jump in head first?! I then spend the evening over analyzing everything I said and what I should have done different and down the rabbit hole I go.
All week I have been really trying to dig deep and realize WHY I tend to do this and I think I have part of an answer. I think making friends as an adult is hard so I tend to go all in. In the sense that I throw things out and see what sticks. As if I am throwing things out about myself seeing if we have any commonalities which to me form friendships. It’s literally like I am throwing darts at the other person. WHY? do I do this? And the better question is how do I dial it back? And even more so, how DO you make friends as an adult?
Many of you know I am very self deprecating, I have no problem pointing out my flaws to others such as “look at me, I am so normal…. me too…. blah blah blah” and there is no need for that either. This year my word of the year is GROW. And these are absolutely areas I need personal growth on. Does anyone else find yourself in similar situations? It’s like this year started and I am not sure who I am anymore. As if some of my lesser traits have a spotlight shining on them. Maybe this is my midlife crisis. Who the hell knows, clearly not me! LOL! But since Jan 1 I have had a few hard blows to me, my ego, my heart and combine that with this excessive need to “verbally vomit” and I feel as though I am wading in the deep end and I am not sure where the ladder is. Getting this all out on “paper” via this blog is helpful, this helps to clear my head and for me to analyze while I type. But the funny thing is this is an example….. I am throwing this post out there like a dart and I will wait to see if it sticks with anyone. The irony is not lost on me. Geez.
Does anyone have any insight? Something that has stuck with you? I am always open to ideas and to have someone throw a dart back at me.