Today I am sitting here writing something that I have hidden for 22 years, only maybe 3 people know this story and not even in the detail I am going to share today. Is this post political? Maybe, depending on how you take it. The past year has been enlightening for women finding the bravery to come forward and finally share deep secrets that can eat you alive. And then fast forward to the past few weeks with the Kavanaugh confirmation and then this past week to the testimony of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. The events of this past week have enraged me and I have spent days agonizing if I should share my story and I feel like it is bubbling over inside and now is the time.
I have a voice on Social Media and I want to use my story to shed some light on the questions Dr. Ford has been pounded with this week and used against her. I want some people on my newsfeed who think she must be lying because how can she remember his face and not remember the whole night… that is easy friends. If something has happened to you, you will NEVER forget the face. You see sharing this will hurt my family, be shocking to so many and the repercussion of sharing my truth will reverberate far beyond me, I know that. That is the main reason I have kept this secret for so many years, we are made to feel shame, made to feel at fault and this past week only confirms all of that. I am NOT sharing this because #metoo is a thing now, I am not sharing this to gain sympathy, I am not sharing this to get your “I’m sorry’s” but I am sharing this to shed light on what so many women go thru and WHY many survivors don’t speak up.
So here is MY STORY, this is the night I was raped.
I was a sophomore in High School at Westmoore in Okc 22 years ago desperate to find where I belonged. I was a bit of a nerd, not part of the cool crowd and like so many I wanted to belong. There was this boy, the very good looking, very popular kind of boy and he was in one of my classes. He picked on me, taunted me about my strict up bringing and I was desperate to fit in. One day the boy asked me to go to a party on a Friday night with him and his friends along with a girl I knew. I couldn’t believe I was invited to the cool people party so I developed a plan to lie to my parents and go. I thought finally this is my IN into the cool crowd at school, I was so young at 15…. I had never been alone with a boy, never kissed a boy, never had a sip of alcohol and not a clue what I was getting myself into. The boy and his friends picked me up after school at my friends house and the worst night of my life began. BEFORE I go on I want to tell the rest of this story thru the question Dr. Ford keeps getting:
HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER HIS FACE AND BE UNSURE ABOUT THE REST OF YOUR EVENING?
If this has happened to you then the answer is easy…It is seared in your brain, something you will carry with you forever.
The entire night I was given “punch” I didn’t know what was in it but I remember not being able to walk good. I remember we went to a High School basketball game at Moore High School and then on to a party. I remember clear as day being given another cup to drink and me saying No, I can’t drink anymore but being pressured into doing so. The rest of the evening I can’t give you any details about where I was or what I did except that I was with the boy, his friends in a backseat driving around. Literally the next thing I remember was coming to in his bed while he was raping me. I remember this clear as if it was yesterday, I cried, tried to push him off of me, told him no as he was holding me down, holding my arms over my head. I was confused and hurting. I then passed out again and woke the next morning in the bed in his parents house. I was a virgin, there was blood on the sheets and I was confused, scared and didn’t know what to do. This brings me to the next question Dr. Ford keeps getting:
WHY DIDN’T YOU REPORT THIS? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ANYONE??
For me it was easy, I had lied to my parents. This also was one of the coolest guys in my high school who am I to speak up? This was in the 90s before Oprah and Dr Phil taught me this was NOT my fault. You expect a 15 year old to tell her parents she put herself into a position to drink alcohol and lie to them where I was? I was too scared. AFTER MANY MANY years I now know this was NOT MY FAULT. Nothing I did that night made me deserve to be raped or have my virginity taken from me in such a brutal horrible way. But I didn’t know who I could tell. The resources where not available then like they are today. I did wind up confiding in someone at church camp the following Summer and asking God for forgiveness as I recommitted my life to Christ hoping that would heal me. But looking back that infuriates me, I had and HAVE nothing to be sorry for. The fact was this boy took advantage of me, got me black out drunk when I didn’t even know I was drinking alcohol and then while I was passed out raped me. And when I came to crying, trying to push him off of me he held me down and told me to be quite.
So you see just because I do not have all the details of that night 22 years later I will NEVER forget his face over me, I will never forget his first and last name and I will never forget how scared I was. And I can guarantee you that come 40 years after the fact just like Dr. Christine Blasey Ford I will never forget his face. This brings me to another question she has been pounded with:
Mr. Kavanaugh is going to be appointed to a job for LIFE. A job that will decide us as US citizens futures for life. I have thought about this a lot these past few weeks what would I do? And I honestly think I would have come forward. I know “the boy” who raped me was only 16 and now I know he has a family and daughters of his own and he most likely has changed but that does NOT excuse what he did to me. UNDER NO circumstance is it ok to rape a girl while being passed out, while she is crying, begging you to stop or any scenario you can come up with. That is just as clear as when you are 16 as when you are 37. And if I saw this person getting appointed to the highest court, being praised as a Godly man it would also make me think long and hard about my civic duty to the people of this country.
You know even now friends of mine are friends with this person on social media (I am not) chances are I might see this person at my 20 year High School reunion next year. Will I speak out and name this person now? NO, that is MY CHOICE to do so or not. For me writing this blog post is like lifting off 22 years of pain from my shoulders. Not only did I have to go thru this horrible rape but I then had to hold this secret alone for 22 years. That can eat you alive. I am writing this to give people a perspective from someone they know. Just me Nicole, friend, daughter, sister and wife. Maybe they will reconsider rushing to judgement that the “Woman MUST be lying”. I am also writing this to show other survivors you can have the courage to come forward. You can lift this burden from you. I am also writing this to let any of you know if you need to talk or want to reach out to me here is my email firstname.lastname@example.org
You see this isn’t political, this is personal, this is a life. What happened to me absolutely changed my course in life, stained my life but it also doesn’t define me. I am very strong, I have made a life that is mine despite what happened when I was 15. I ask that if you have nothing good to say don’t comment, I do not need your negativity. I also want to say that if you want to share this post on your social media because it helped you or made you see something differently then you have my permission to do so. All I can hope for is that thru sharing my story maybe just one of you won’t be in such a rush to Victim Shame. Because you do not know who in your life is a victim.