I have been dreading typing out this post for days now, maybe hoping this was all a bad dream? Knowing that once I make this post it is real, it is final and I will have to feel things again. It is incredible how much my Bella was ingrained into my life, these past 4 days I have been lost without her. For 15 years my girl has been by my side, we have grown into adults together, lived in 8 places together, slept together every night, she helped me raise all her brothers and gosh…..I could go on and on. For instance she is always right outside the shower and we talk while I shower so this weekend the silence broke my heart. You see my girl Bella took care of me almost as much if not more than I took care of her. She has been by my side thru everything, she was silly, she was lazy, she was a Chatty Cathy, she loved her Daddy, she LOVED her Grandma and Grandpa, she loved a good beam of sun and demanded that all blinds be pulled up. So funny if I only pulled up 1 blind everyday it was never the right one and she would complain to me.
Isabella was diagnosed with Stage 4 Kidney disease almost 4 years ago so the fact that she lived until 15 was a miracle. I feel like our love and our bond sustained her towards the end. But it is heartbreaking how 1 moment everything can be fine and the next it was not. The last week of her life we were in Mexico, and if she would have been sick before we left I would never have left her. I think it will be a long long time before I forgive myself for that. We left a happy Bella and came home to the final days of her life, I missed that last week and I wasn’t there to comfort her. I am not sure how I am going to get over that.
Later this week I want to share more pictures of her life, tell funny stories and share the good times with you all but sadly I am not there yet. I can’t.