I wanted to open up to you guys today for a few reasons…….
1. Spilling my guts on here is therapeutic for me
2. I want to share with you all and be open about everything because of the feedback I have received over these few years…. it helps people and that helps me!
3. And You all… our family, our friends and our wonderful supporters online matter to us.
A few weeks ago Matt and I had a very real and very hard conversation about our future and what we want it to hold. But the future for us is the next year only, dealing with infertility it is best to only plan a year at a time we have found out. Mostly because so many different factors go into this and things can change on a dime. You know no one gives you a manual on how to deal with the news that you will never have biological children and then no one robs a bank for you either. So ya, money is a huge factor in this decision but we honestly set that aside and talked about how we feel. If we robbed a bank and got $30,000 plus in our laps would this decision change… maybe. But we don’t actually know and for now we both feel at peace with our decision.
We decided that for the next year we are going to be US. It has been YEARS since we have lived without trying to conceive, years since we were not constantly sticking me with needles, emptying bank accounts on medical intervention and years since we stopped tracking time by my period. And trust me no one wants to count time by their period! HA! So this next year we are going to focus on US. Live our lives, focus on our careers, love on our fur-animals, go on vacations (I hope) and celebrate our 10 YEAR wedding anniversary next year. Then after our 10 year anniversary we will sit down and see where we are and how we feel. Matt mentioned that maybe we don’t have children and I feel the same but in this space is that just the residual grief talking? Or in a year will we want to move forward with adoption? I can’t answer that. What I can answer is that is has been just the 2 of us for 11 years this Christmas. Our first date was 11 years ago and we have come out ok(ish) LOL!!!!! Now, we do want to try and save.. I hope to sell a few houses so we can save money but first for us to have a savings again. We have like $300 in savings because of how much we spent this past year on 7 IUI’s and 2 IVF’s. We also want to finish our basement but we will see. So next year we are going to STOP revolving our lives solely on if we are pregnant. And ya, we both have a lot of healing to do.
I need people to know that especially like this past week when SO many friends announced their pregnancies I am truly happy for you. Why would I not be, I know how hard it is to get pregnant so YAY you, for real! SO very happy for you… your future baby has no bearing on my situation although people seem to think it must. The only thing is it makes me think…. will I ever get to “announce” we are having a child one day? Will I be ok if we never do? And those are valid questions to ask myself. And who knows that answer! And I hate how this situation, something I cannot control effects the way people are to me/us.. So stop it you guys! No, neither of us have officially dealt with the ramifications of the past few years but how do you? Really, how are you suppose to? For me I think all my emotions have been channeling into anger, which I don’t like. Anger at situations and people who just act as if my life never happened, anger to those who cannot seem to not even once acknowledge what we have been thru. It doesn’t take much time or effort to say “Hi, I love you, I am sorry.” But it clearly must be…… I can’t seem to move past it, I stew in it and I hate myself for it.
SO that is where we are, I did ask my Mom to stop saying “But you all would have the most beautiful baby ever, we will never see that” I know Mom, I know you are hurting too but that isn’t good for any of us to hear anymore. And thats the truth, that is where we are and how we are moving forward as a couple. I still have some expensive IVF meds in my fridge, I am gonna offer them up again to anyone who wants them before I throw them out. I have loved helping 2 other girls with free meds, I like the thought that something good is coming out of our situation.