Hey All I am sorry that this post is days late but I have been and still am the sickest I have EVER been. Really, like beyond sick. BUT let’s back up to last week……………..
This cycle we did different hormones because the last cycle didn’t produce enough eggs so if you remember my doctor said we would try things differently and if we get good results then… Great, hopefully we can make a baby but if we get bad results then most likely I am not a candidate for IVF and we would not move on past Cycle 2. Sadly, on Thursday we learned the latter. The combination of the medicine that I was injecting into me was killing my body this time and Thursday I woke up sick as a dog, so sick that Matt literally had to undress me, help me walk, literally inject me while I was in bed while I was crying. So by the time we made it to the doctors office I was in a bad state. And we knew as soon as the ultrasound wand was inside me that my follicles didn’t grow enough. I cried because I was sick, I cried because I was sad and I cried because I tried so hard. They waited a few hours for my blood work to come back but we both knew that the call was that the cycle was canceled. BUT what I didn’t put on Facebook because I didn’t want to use the insemination on Facebook was that they had us come back Friday morning for an IUI. We did 6 of these if you remember, none of them worked but they/we wanted to try anything that would give us hope out of this mess. So yes, there is a chance this worked and I could be pregnant and we will find out in a few weeks but honestly I have been so sick I can’t even put good vibes towards that right now. And I appreciate our doctor trying to pull a hail mary and give us something…. anything that could work.
The thing that is hard to grasp when an IVF fails is much like last time…. the amount of money for one that is now gone, the time, the emotions, the injections…. everything we did and it didn’t work. And this time what I put my body thru and how sick I am….. IVF is something you would never wish on anyone, you don’t know until you have done it. Last week I was in bed Thursday morning thru Yesterday. We have to wait until these hormones pass out of my system, we have to wait until this painful excessive bloating goes down… I currently look about 5 months pregnant but it is just painful fluids and the weight of my stimulated ovaries. Yesterday my doctor said if I got worse over night that Matt needed to take me to the ER, luckily I am about the same so I was able to avoid that.
I think one thing about being so sick is that I haven’t been able to process this all yet, process that most likely on Thursday I found out I will never have a biological child. So many emotions go with that, its like I am on FB this weekend and everyone is living their BEST life, you know what I mean… so #blessed and I am living in the worst part of mine and I realize that life goes on and the world isn’t going to stop because I am in a valley right now. I am in a place currently where I can’t deal at the moment with other peoples stuff, ya know what I mean? I need time to deal with my stuff and I am sorry but I can’t deal with your life right now too. Am I rambling?
OK ok…. moving on. So in a few weeks once we know if this IUI works or not we will then have our meeting with our doctor to discuss what happened and what is next. There are a few things on the table but I am not sure at this point at least I want to do anything more again. I am not sure I can. I am a planner so hopefully soon Matt and I will know the options, have our time to process and discuss and then have a new plan. A new plan that we can move towards.
Lastly, thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. We truly appreciate it, very much so. I am heading back to bed…. you know it’s bad when even you cat is tired of you taking up space in the bed 24/7.