Pain

Right now I am sitting at my desk behind my computer and my office is in my master bedroom. From my desk I look out towards my bed and today onto the empty spot where Oscar should be. You see I am inseperable from my fur-kids, Matt traveled 5 days a week in Ohio so it was literally just me and them. Here Matt works late 3 nights a week and I am not currently working…. so 99% of my life is literally just me and my animals. My day runs around them, their routine is my my routine. And since his diagnosis with cancer 5 months ago Oscar and I become more attached at the hip. Every single day he spent all morning napping and watching me from the bed while I blogged, did school or paid bills. Every single day he knew when it was time to go upstairs with me and it gave him… well the both of us such joy. But here it is Monday, sadly and my bed is empty. His snuggle blanket is still there and it smells like him but he is not in it.
In Ohio when Oscar had back surgery I literally had to re-teach him how to walk. For a solid month I had to hold him up each time he went to the bathroom, carry him everywhere and do his rehab to build up his back again. That is just another time that is written in my heart that bonded us together so closely. He is 1/5 of my world. And now that world has a huge gaping hole and the pain for me is unbearable. I went back and forth between crying and sitting around like a zombie all weekend, as did Matt.  But today is Monday and I am suppose to resume my routine but the glue is missing. The bossy little tan glue is not here.

Today I go to my infertility doctor and we start the IVF process, we will be “mapping” out my “insides” for the upcoming procedures and I will be having a ton of blood work… I am so scared about giving so much blood. But I also know I am going to cry like a crazy person in the office when they ask me how I have been. How am I suppose to turn my head around and put such positivity into this process right now when I am not ok. UGH.

Thank you all for listening, if you know me then you know that me getting this all out of my head is part of my healing process. It won’t be pretty and it will be old but I pray it helps me. I also ask that you all pray that Oscar is surrounded by happiness and light while he makes the journey to start his new life elsewhere. I worry, he is so small….. will he make it to heaven ok? What if he gets lost? Is he happy? And this line of thought goes on and on and on and on………….
My heart hurts.

2 Comments

  1. Kendra Kelley
    March 22, 2016 / 4:03 am

    Talk it out, Nicole. It will help. I'm praying for you right now. You have so much going on and Oscar passing, yet started the process for a baby, totally different ends of the stressful spectrum but it's a lot. You are an incredibly strong person and I'll admit, I've looked up to you when you moved from Oklahoma, when we did in July.

  2. Irma Torralba
    March 23, 2016 / 4:47 am

    Rest assured that your sweet boy Oscar has made it to heaven. I am sure by now he has whispered inGod's ear and asked that you be filled with happiness and light as you start your journey on this IVF process. Nicole, your dear fur baby is now a fur angel . You are in my prayers. You are an inspiration to many. You have shared so much with us, thank you for letting us share In your sorrow.

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