At the beginning of this year I told you all that I had a “Word of the Year”…. HOPE. For many reasons but mainly because I struggle with it. I struggle with the balance of having high Hopes and disappointment. I struggle with allowing myself to have Hope and Hope can be scary…..
It has been 1 week since Oscar passed away and we are not much better emotionally. Matt and I are still covered in raw edges and disbelief. And our 3 other animals have had a rough week…. looking for their brother, being lethargic, and acting confused. It’s hard to watch. We will still grieve for a long long time but I woke up today with the word Hope on my mind and I think today I need to allow myself to Hope. Have hope that this pain will turn into beauty. Have Hope that Oscar is as happy as he could ever be in his new eternal home. Have Hope that we made the right decision. And have Hope that the hole in our hearts can one day be filled with his memories and not pain.
I won’t lie to you, this has been one of, it not THE worst week in my life…. it’s been unbearable. Yesterday for the first time I slowly got back to my routine, it didn’t seem right but I have to try. I like having things to look forward to so I am looking to get a Oscar Memorial tattoo soon. I have been putting a lot of thought into it for some time now, since we knew he was terminal. I really want to carry him with me where ever I go. And I think that will help me heal, part of my process of loosing my child.
I know you have been on your journey to your forever home and I have prayed everyday that you are surrounded by light, peace, happiness and love while you make that journey. I know that now you are in no more pain and that you can see out of both of your eyes, I know your coat is shiny and soft and your spirit is full of life. I want you to know that you will NEVER be far from my mind and you will always be in my heart and one day your Mom will stop crying and look back with smiles. I have told you so many times you are MY BOY, my best boy, my brave boy and my first boy. You were devastatingly handsome and I know you were just “big boned”…. I miss your kisses, the way your ears flapped over and flopped in the wind. I miss how well you patrolled the backyard for us and declared our yard a no fly zone for birds. I will always remember our countless hours of snuggles and the hundreds of times we had to calm you down while you claimed everything from the fridge to all your brothers toys. You were one of a kind and you were MY one of a kind. I loved you more than myself and I will miss you forever Oskie-Pants. xoxo