Yesterday I picked up our boy Oscar and brought him home to us one last time. It was surprisingly devastating and peaceful at the same time. As soon as they called I rushed, I didn’t want him to spend one more moment away from us, his family and his home. We were very pleased with his final resting place, the box is really beautiful. But at the same time while I hold that small box in my hand my longing to hold Oscar couldn’t be stronger. We think that Oscar would like to be with us, where the action is and where the memories are made… so Oscar will be with us in the living room. The living room where he loved “snuggle city” while we watched our shows. The living room where he chewed his bones and destroyed blankets. The living room where he would run and chase Abner or surprise attack Ralph and the living room where thousands of kisses were given out.
The picture above is from Friday, after the decision was made. I took Oscar upstairs with me and laid him on the bed to not only spend some time with his sister Bella but so I could lay with him. We were face to face and I was telling him how handsome he was, how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him and I swear do you see it…. he is smiling. I know that he knew and I know he was at peace. So I try to come back to this picture, see his peace and feel comfort in that.
I feel like I have reached a different level in my grief…. a time where I can’t believe this is real. I literally have to stop myself and try to wrap my head around it all. It’s like I have reached some stage of denial….. like my brain and heart wants to stop believing this is true. How can this be??? I keep saying to myself…. how can this be. I am also scared, scared of the day that the pain will go away… I feel like when that happens part of Oscar will go away. Like the pain is somehow keeping him close to me, I know it sounds crazy but it’s how I feel. I also feel guilty for a smile or a laugh. I know I know he would want me to be happy but it somehow doesn’t seem right. yet.
I miss his rhino buns, his dashing grey around his face, I miss how excited he got to go to the mailbox with me, I miss seeing him run, I miss kissing the sweet spot on his neck, I miss watching him sleep, I miss how excited he got over meal time, I miss seeing the sun on his face, I miss hold him on my chest like a baby, I miss his growls and how demanding he was, I miss watching his face light up when I brought home a “new toy”, I miss snuggling him, I miss his stinky breathe………………