Hi Guys, sorry I have been away for a week but I was enjoying Christmas with Matt away from my computer and then I had to take a mental health day yesterday…. AKA…. stay in bed all day with my cat day! Yesterday morning I found out IUI #4 didn’t take. So ya, that sucked. In the past posts I have been super positive and upbeat while sharing the news with you guys but I am not feeling that way today. Life is real, life is messy and I can only be myself and sometimes that isn’t full of rosey feelings.
Each month I feel differently when I find out the news and this month was very different, I am mad at myself. Why? Because I allowed myself to hope. This weekend I really got my hopes up, I pinned things to my secret “Baby” pinterest board, I made plans in my head and I even let myself buy a STUPID pregnancy magazine at Barnes and Noble. So when I found out I was crushed. Crushed and Mad….. why did I let myself get my hopes up so high? When they are so high they can only go down. I’m stupid.
But you are probably thinking that a positive attitude and hope is helpful in this process and it can be but where is the line? Where is the line of being positive and sending good vibes to your womb and not getting your hopes up to high?? I should have known better and I cannot allow myself to let my thoughts get ahead again. I mean is there any worse feeling than utter disapointment?
And another thing is this card above, I need to remind myself that other people cannot understand what we go thru and how could they? And people mean well when they say “This is all God’s plan” or “It isn’t God’s timing yet” or my favorite “If you just relax and stop thinking about it, it will happen naturally” well guys I hate to break it to you that is NOT true at all. Relaxation has nothing to do with this, this is science…. do you think we didn’t try the “natural” way first? Before spending thousands? And second I do not believe for one second this is God’s plan. I think God knows what the outcome will be and he knows the people this experience will turn us into but this isn’t God’s doing. This is life, things that happen in the life we were given. God doesn’t pick out people to refuse babies too or make them go the hard way. God didn’t pick this path for us, our bodies did. But I know he is with us along the way and I absolutely pray to him for help, but he didn’t do this. Does any of that rambling make sense?
Last subject for me to vent over today is HORMONES. During each cycle I not only ingest hormones via pill form but I have Matt give me shots of hormones into my very bruised thighs. And sometimes I forget the affect this can have on me, when I feel so full of emotion I could burst, or when I feel so very blue…. these medicines are taking who I am and exaggerating all of it. And this is hard on a marriage too, Matt forgets this and when I remind him of this he sees this as an excuse. An excuse for my bad attitude or behavior. Gosh, it’s so hard… I think I am being myself, normal… I don’t think I am being crazy or mean but when it is pointed out to me constantly….. then, I guess I am…. it really beats me down. I cannot control what all this is doing to me, I feel helpless. And I am tired of arguing over “my attitude”…. does this make sense to anyone else who has been thru this process? Anyone out there? ha!
Anyways, here is the plan….. today I am gonna pick myself up and dust off. Tomorrow I go for an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok in there and if so we will start round 5. I will start the meds again tomorrow and we will go from there. ITS ROUND 5 LOOK ALIVE? Ugh… nothing really rhymes with 5. I have a good feeling about this round. Thanks for listening.