NO Win Situation

I want to start this blog post off with a CRAZY disclaimer, it might sound harsh BUT I mean every word. IF you are going to tell me any of these phrases then please delete yourself from my life.
Examples:
1. He is only a dog, you can get a new one
2. I know you love him but just wait until you have a “real” baby
3. I would never spend that on a animal, it’s just a animal
4. I know you love him but you will know real love when you have a baby of your own.

So I think that pretty much covers that and anything around those examples I will NOT tolerate. Ok? Thanks.

Now, I have the update on my boy Oscar and it’s a lot so forgive me if I jump around or get lost in a sentence. Thanks!
At the beginning of last week Oscar had his CT Scan and his Biopsy of whatever is in his eye. We got the results on Saturday during our garage sale ….In his left eye socket is a 1 1/2 inch Cancerous tumor. It is Cancer and it is severe. The Ophthalmologist immediately referred us to the Oncology department and we had our consultation yesterday! The picture above is us yesterday…. we put Matt’s red pocket square in his collar and told him he is “SUPER Weenie”!
Here are all the options that are in front of us, I will do my best to explain……

1. If we move forward to treat this he will have surgery to remove the tumor as well as a little of the bone of his eye socket that has been touched with the Cancer as well. He will 110% loose his eye. This option will run us around $5,000. And we have already spent $4,000 last week just to get this far.
NOW that is the BEST case scenario. But IF the surgeon cannot get ALL the cancer and his margins do not come out clean he will have to have Radiation.

2. Moving forward with Radiation, the doctor tells us that it is ONLY bad for a month. Since essentially he will be getting awful “burns” and will likely loose all his hair on that side of his head. She tells us that dogs bounce back. But doing my own research on this, it looks awful. And we would be going everyday for treatment and everyday he would be put under light sedation and then go home to recover.  This will cost us around $5,800 for just this treatment alone. BUT we will not know until after the surgery IF this is needed.

3. We do nothing, and the tumor will continue to grow and it will make him go blind. The tumor will then press on his optic nerve causing him severe pain and will eventually push his left eye completely out. So this would be constantly monitoring him to manage his pain until it is time to say goodbye.

4. And this option that has been thrown out by family member is that we pick a date and say goodbye. We never let him get to that level of pain or the trauma of him loosing his eyesight.

You see, looking at these options can make you crazy. The doctor tells us that IF we go thru Options #1 and #2 … he could live several more years. But WHERE are we going to get $10,000? We didn’t know this was coming and we bought this home and there went all our money and the money we spent on Oscar last week was IT. But even beyond the money….. do we want to put him thru that? He is ONLY 8 but he also has heart disease and has already been thru back surgery. Can he make it? Is it worth it? We have a doctor telling us it isn’t “that bad” but it is invasive surgery AND Radiation on a little guy who will NOT understand what is happening. 
BUT then we don’t do anything, we don’t “save his life” and we are killing him. Right now he is completely normal… he has no idea what the road ahead lies so the thought of this option is unbearable. Looking at our dog and aside from his eye he is his normal self and thinking about putting him down? My brain cannot comprehend this.

When I found all this out Saturday I had my first panic attack in 2 years, to say that I am broken is not enough. Part of me is going to die with Oscar. I literally cannot express how I wish this was me, I would loose my eye gladly is that meant Oscar would be back to normal. I love my animals more than I love myself. I mean what do we do? WHAT DO WE DO?
I didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning. And this weekend I am throwing Matt his 35th birthday party, we are going thru our 2nd cycle of Fertility treatments and next Tuesday I start Jury Duty…. it’s too much. I know people are going thru so much worse than I am right now, I am not stupid. But this is MY life, this is my heart and how I feel is valid. My heart is completely broken…….

3 Comments

  1. David M.
    October 22, 2015 / 4:58 pm

    Nicole…I read your post twice…actually three times now.You only underline one thing in this post and that he will be scared for the entire process and not know what is happening to him. Pain for an animal is one thing but the thought of him being scared for extended amounts of time would be the kicker for me. Nothing will make this better or OK. It's just something that happens in life. It's always worse when we aren't expecting it. I can't tell you what should be done since I am not in your shoes. Talk with your husband and come to a decision together and then move forward with that decision. I pray that God grant you wisdom and help you guys through this tough period.

  2. Chrissy
    October 22, 2015 / 5:24 pm

    I am so sorry. So sorry. I, too, read your post twice. Ans I cried. Still am.I agree with David, I noticed the underlined sentence as well.He will not know why this is happening.Be scared. It will make you go mad.I cannot tell you what to do either. I know how hard this is.Making the decision. But I am sure you will figure it out and it willbe fine. It will be the right thing, whatever you decide.Hugs xxx

  3. Anonymous
    October 22, 2015 / 6:35 pm

    Everything you feel is VERY valid, and you have the right to feel broken and overwhelmed. I am so sorry to hear about the tough decision you have to make about Oscar. (We were just talking at lunch about our animals and how much they mean to us. They do become a part of you and are not just an animal)! My heart breaks with you. Take a deep breath and know you have many people to support you through your decision. You have a lot going on, and just try to focus on getting through that day when you wake up. I will continue to keep you and Oscar in my prayers.

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