You know what we are long overdue for? A long melodramatic blog post that includes me complaining, ranting and/or spilling too many details on what goes on in my head. It’s funny, I am always scared to put so much of “me” out there for you all to read/judge/interpret but I also know that someone can always relate. And isn’t it the best feeling when you share something and find that someone who feels the same? I think it does.
Our minds and our feelings are so complex, so much of that it is even hard to get out on “paper”. I have talked before about this feeling I have been struggling with….. Having no purpose. I was very honest on how I felt and how I still feel like I am lost. Oh you know I deal with the usual demons in my head:
What am I working towards? What is my purpose? What am I doing?
This has nothing to do about Columbus so I am in no way unhappy because of my new city BUT I do think that the move and my life now has left more space in my head for wandering. I may very well be feeling this exact same way if I was still in Oklahoma. In Oklahoma I was able to share my life with our families and friends. I had a family to experience life events with and friends to fill my heart and they all still do (so please know that is true) but when you are alone you start thinking about family. For the past year and especially 6 months I think about how it would be if we had a child(ren). We would then be able to experience new things for the first time with them and begin building our own traditions. BUT trust me I am well aware how hard raising a child is as well as the time and money it takes. So I am not even just thinking about this “rose colored eyes”. All of those concerns are something that has made us wait…. Finding the time and the money for a child. But now, currently I am 32 and I find myself scared sometimes feeling like I/we squandered our time for the last 7 years. You know that brief feeling you get when you think you forgot to do something? (insert pun)And honestly I am not 100% sure that if it all the stars were “aligned” that we would have a child now but what is making me so upset lately is that I am 32 and certain factors will not let me decided this for myself. What are these factors you ask??
– Matt is set to be gone 240 days this year, that means I will only see my husband 125 days this year.
– Migraines! I have to talk about my medicines with doctors and see how this would work. Then there are truly days I am so sick I think I couldn’t ever raise a child. I am too sick
– Insurance, I currently do not even have maternity insurance.
– Our marriage. Since we met we have worked towards Matt’s career and much more….well, that has led to us always putting our marriage on the back burner. I was told that once we moved here it would be “us” and we would mend our cracks but when we only see each other 2 days a week there isn’t much that can be done. We are complicated. And that is on both of us, but we have more road ahead.
– Money- money makes the world go round doesn’t it? And due to several factors over the past year we have a lot to make up, pay off and rebuild.
I know I know….what a Debbie Downer I am but I call this being a realist. And I am allowed to express my true feelings on here even if they are not all filled with sunshine. It’s my truth. And I have to say I am absolutely 110% over the moon for all my friends who have kids or who are currently preggo. I just love going thru this whole process with a friend…..I love it. Just ask them…finding out the sex and what they will name their baby is something I love to share in. So this has no reflection on anyone at all but it is harder for me lately……when friend after friend announces their pregnancy I find myself feeling as though I am standing still while everyone else is moving forward and building their lives. It is all very complicated. I don’t know what will fix this, I don’t know what the future will hold but I do know that I pray daily for God to show me my path. I pray more than anything to have a migraine free day and I pray the same for my mother. I know matt and I need to talk about a plan for us. I also know that I am lucky in so many ways and I am thankful for all God has given me but I am human, I have complex feelings. Once again my blog follower’s thanks for letting me get this out there. Don’t judge too harshly. Has anyone dealt with similar feelings? And?