What am I doing?

I have started to write this post many many times but ending up deleting it, but this nagging in my head will not go away.
I am timid to share because:
1. I know I am blessed in many ways so I don’t want people thinking I am a brat
2. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer and have one sad sack of a blog
3. I worry about people judging and reading in between the lines. Reading emotions in a post can go right or wrong.
4. People move all the time, I get it…..we are not the first couple to move away from home but this is new to me.
5. I do love Columbus, a lot don’t get me wrong.

BUT I am writing this post because:
1. This is my outlet and you all are the best free therapy around
2. I have found that honest and emotion charged posts at times seem to be relatable for so many of you.

I won’t lie these past 10 months have been hard and you all know that for the most part …..but things don’t seem to be getting any better either…..they are getting worse. We moved for Matt to have a Farmers district but things changed and the change hasn’t been all positive it has effected everything from our finances to our marriage. We are going thru a very tough time.

I have applied to every job under the sun including giving my resume to people I just met at Junior League functions. I have applied at retail places but I have been in the “office world” so long I have no retail experiance. I can’t seem to even get a foot in the door at any office job and I have literally applied to over 50 jobs from Banks to office work. So this has been hard on us, I came here thinking we would have freedom to enjoy life and go home often but we can’t now…..we have no extra money. And it isn’t just me who is having a hard time this effects Matt too…but this post is geared from my point of view!

I am deeply sad…..it all sounds so trivial while writing this post but I can’t seem to focus on anything good. I feel like I have no purpose. Really……I don’t have a “career” like doctor or something that matters, I don’t even have a job, I have no family here or children and I have no idea what I am doing. I literally feel like there is no purpose for me to get up. (Side note, I am on a low dosage of meds….so I have sought out help with my anxiety). In my head I am missing the positive thoughts/vibes towards our/my future and I feel hopeless most days. I mean I literally have no purpose in life….and I am not being dramatic I am just spilling out my private thoughts onto this post. I mean what am I doing? I don’t see things getting better for a long time and I have nothing in the future to work towards.

Something even sadder is I am SO focused on my own life and crawling out of a hole that I am an awful friend. I mean the people who are there for me I can’t seem to do the same for them. I am failing at life pretty much. I burden my Mom daily with my inner melodrama and I have nothing positive to say to my friends and how can I even make new friends when I am such a “negative Nancy”. I missed a friends Birthday a week or two ago (Happy Belated Birthday BK) because I can’t crawl out of the hole I am in. And the worst part is that feeds the cycle………I then get down for being a crap friend, a bad daughter-in-law and the evil cycle continues.
I also think that is why I have been slacking at blogging because I don’t want to lie to all of you and tell you things are great when they are not. I am too honest and I share too much so when I don’t want to lie I pull back. That is what I do in general….pull back from everything.
Gosh, this sounds so stupid. I mean I have good days, I love to cook and try to do things for Matt but it’s hard. Matt traveling every week M-F was not the plan and I am very independent thank goodness….I can eat alone but the loneliness if different, it comes from a deep place. And with all the pieces of life that are falling apart it is easy to take it out on one another when we finally see each other.

I pray, I pray, I pray and pray some more. I am trying. I got Matt and I both copies of the Love Dare which my friend BB said is a huge help, so I am hoping that will bring us back to where we need to be.
Have you ever had such a bad place in your life?? For women without children how do you have a purpose? Is this stupid? Be kind…… I am strong and I will keep on keeping on.


  1. Girl On a Journey
    February 18, 2013 / 4:56 pm

    Nicole, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It is so understandable with everything that is going on. I wish I knew the right words to say to bring you some comfort and reassurance. Just know I am thinking of you each day and will say prayers too. The Love Dare is a great book for couples! Have you seen the movie Fireproof that goes with it? Take care (HUGS FROM TEXAS)

  2. Kendra
    February 18, 2013 / 8:30 pm

    Nicole, I am so sorry for how you feel and I think many can relate. You aren't stupid or petty. I do have children but lately I have been asking what my purpose is beyond that. My husband travels alot. I have nothing besides them. My sons ask me every once in a while why I don't go to a job like other moms. I will pray for you and Matt because it's hard. The Love Dare is a great book, the movie is also great. You have stepped out in Ohio more than I ever would have after moving away from family. You are so strong but can always pour your heart out here. Blessings to you.

  3. Becky
    February 18, 2013 / 10:45 pm

    I love you friend. And I have been in some pretty dark places. So dark even my kids weren't motivation enough. I wanted to leave it all behind. ALL of it. You know I pray for you all the time. I don't know when but I have to have faith that you will be lead, carried or even pushed through this. God has not left you. I have to believe that.

  4. Sarah and Chris
    February 19, 2013 / 12:37 am

    Hey Nicole, I know how you feel. when I left OK and moved here i worked contract as a landman for all of two months before the market fell and I got laid off. I also applied for any job i could and it took forever to find a new job. It was hard to get up every day and I got very depressed. I finally took a job I didnt like but took it for the income while I went back to school and got a post bachelors certificate in paralegal studies. Maybe you can look at a local community college and see if there are any classes that interest you, or i know you love to cook……..maybe take cooking classes. That way you not only have a reason to get up every morning but also its working towards what could be a new career. I purposely took night classes so when I found a job my classes werent an issue and I could still work and go to class. I turned into a bitter, hateful, depressed person for awhile and took my anger out on my now fiance BUT we got through it and are better now because of it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.Sarah

  5. Jamie
    February 19, 2013 / 2:11 am

    This is absolutely not stupid! You know I don't really have much advice. Hang in there!

  6. Diana
    February 19, 2013 / 3:31 am

    I truly admire you for your forthrightness & honesty. I think many people can relate to your feelings about moving to a new place… Totally outside of your comfort zone & everything is different! Throw in a job change & not being able to find the right job for you and it's the perfect (or not so perfect) storm. I know that God has a purpose for you & pray that will be shown to you. You are a special lady with so many people that love you! I know with time this new place will become a home for you & Matt

  7. Diana
    February 19, 2013 / 3:33 am

    Thinking about you & praying for ya! I love that you share your life with us… It helps more people than you know!

  8. tara
    February 19, 2013 / 2:19 pm

    Oh, Nicole. I'm so sorry to read this and so sorry that you are struggling. You will definitely be in my prayers, friend. Though I certainly don't understand all that you are going through, I do understand the moving and the disconnect from friends and family. If you ever want to chat, I'd love to. I know that you love to read, I am currently re-reading The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. Maybe you'd love it, too! Hang in there!

  9. Katie
    February 19, 2013 / 3:09 pm

    Hey girl! I actually found your blog through your friend Amy. I just wanted to say feel free to email me whenever you want! I'm from Columbus too (and a blogger) and hope things can turn around for you!Katie

  10. Amy
    February 19, 2013 / 3:18 pm

    I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time! Thank you for being so honest with your life and what is really going on. You have a beautiful spirit. Praying the Lord blesses you and gives you direction.

  11. Maria
    February 19, 2013 / 6:43 pm

    I'm so sorry that things have been so trying. I don't find it trivial or stupid at all…your honesty is refreshing and I admire it. I think we all have times in our lives filled with so much pressure and stress…I'm glad this blog can be such a wonderful outlet for you. I don't know where I would be had I not started blogging a couple years ago…such therapy…such a weight lifter. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things start to look up. Sending much love. XoxoMaria

  12. Nicole
    February 19, 2013 / 7:39 pm

    HUGE Thanks to all of you for the thoughts! Each comment makes me smile!

  13. The Burtons
    February 20, 2013 / 5:50 am

    Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time 🙁 I know it is so hard moving and trying to adjust….I can't imagine on top of that having my Hubby gone all the time too. Hang in there, things will turn around! Thinking about you! Oh and I admire you being so honest on your blog…I struggle with being so open on mine so think its awesome you can be!

  14. Crystal Clear As Mud
    February 20, 2013 / 5:31 pm

    I am so sorry that you're feeling more than blue…but, depressed at your current station in life. I can't help but wonder if I might have slipped into a hole like this if we'd stayed in San Antonio much longer. I felt the beginnings of what you feel now, down there. Just so you know, I love you and support you no matter what and hope that things start to move in a brighter direction soon (physically, emotionally and professional).

  15. ReFunkMyJunk
    March 7, 2013 / 9:41 pm

    Nicole, I have struggled with depression forever. I know sometimes it takes so much energy just to force a smile. All I can tell you is that when I look at my lowest lows I know can say that it made me appreciate the blessings I have today. It's a long hard road to the other side but I PROMISE you will look back at this time with a clearer perspective as to why this is all happening. Sidenote: I have taken medication since I was 19 and I a, so proud of you for not being ashamed of it!

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