I have started to write this post many many times but ending up deleting it, but this nagging in my head will not go away.
I am timid to share because:
1. I know I am blessed in many ways so I don’t want people thinking I am a brat
2. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer and have one sad sack of a blog
3. I worry about people judging and reading in between the lines. Reading emotions in a post can go right or wrong.
4. People move all the time, I get it…..we are not the first couple to move away from home but this is new to me.
5. I do love Columbus, a lot don’t get me wrong.
BUT I am writing this post because:
1. This is my outlet and you all are the best free therapy around
2. I have found that honest and emotion charged posts at times seem to be relatable for so many of you.
I won’t lie these past 10 months have been hard and you all know that for the most part …..but things don’t seem to be getting any better either…..they are getting worse. We moved for Matt to have a Farmers district but things changed and the change hasn’t been all positive it has effected everything from our finances to our marriage. We are going thru a very tough time.
I have applied to every job under the sun including giving my resume to people I just met at Junior League functions. I have applied at retail places but I have been in the “office world” so long I have no retail experiance. I can’t seem to even get a foot in the door at any office job and I have literally applied to over 50 jobs from Banks to office work. So this has been hard on us, I came here thinking we would have freedom to enjoy life and go home often but we can’t now…..we have no extra money. And it isn’t just me who is having a hard time this effects Matt too…but this post is geared from my point of view!
I am deeply sad…..it all sounds so trivial while writing this post but I can’t seem to focus on anything good. I feel like I have no purpose. Really……I don’t have a “career” like doctor or something that matters, I don’t even have a job, I have no family here or children and I have no idea what I am doing. I literally feel like there is no purpose for me to get up. (Side note, I am on a low dosage of meds….so I have sought out help with my anxiety). In my head I am missing the positive thoughts/vibes towards our/my future and I feel hopeless most days. I mean I literally have no purpose in life….and I am not being dramatic I am just spilling out my private thoughts onto this post. I mean what am I doing? I don’t see things getting better for a long time and I have nothing in the future to work towards.
Something even sadder is I am SO focused on my own life and crawling out of a hole that I am an awful friend. I mean the people who are there for me I can’t seem to do the same for them. I am failing at life pretty much. I burden my Mom daily with my inner melodrama and I have nothing positive to say to my friends and how can I even make new friends when I am such a “negative Nancy”. I missed a friends Birthday a week or two ago (Happy Belated Birthday BK) because I can’t crawl out of the hole I am in. And the worst part is that feeds the cycle………I then get down for being a crap friend, a bad daughter-in-law and the evil cycle continues.
I also think that is why I have been slacking at blogging because I don’t want to lie to all of you and tell you things are great when they are not. I am too honest and I share too much so when I don’t want to lie I pull back. That is what I do in general….pull back from everything.
Gosh, this sounds so stupid. I mean I have good days, I love to cook and try to do things for Matt but it’s hard. Matt traveling every week M-F was not the plan and I am very independent thank goodness….I can eat alone but the loneliness if different, it comes from a deep place. And with all the pieces of life that are falling apart it is easy to take it out on one another when we finally see each other.
I pray, I pray, I pray and pray some more. I am trying. I got Matt and I both copies of the Love Dare which my friend BB said is a huge help, so I am hoping that will bring us back to where we need to be.
Have you ever had such a bad place in your life?? For women without children how do you have a purpose? Is this stupid? Be kind…… I am strong and I will keep on keeping on.