Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Dear 2016,

I am gonna join this meme today.....
Me in the beginning of 2016
 Me today at the end of 2016
But for real, this morning I got out my trusty spiral notebook and looked back at this time last year to see what my goals were for 2016, I love walks down memory lane. But what started out as a hopeful year heck my word of the year was HOPE (you can see that post HERE) didn't end up being all roses and sunshine. I did have Hope all year I held it in my hand and in my heart. I had other goals some I did: Decorate the 1/2 bath, organize the mud room and become a realtor. But all the other goals were overshadowed by Trying to Conceive. I mean how could it not. 
This year was the year of THIS................
You can read this post HERE
This was our 3rd year of Infertility and this year culminated with 7 failed IUI's and 2 failed IVF's. And the year ended with the news that we will not have a biological child of our own. I do want to say that looking back and seeing this picture above sadness is not the first thing that comes to mind but BRAVE. I literally cannot believe everything I had to do these past few years, I am very proud of myself. Proud of myself for doing it, getting thru and sharing my story which helped a few people along the way. And now as I have talked about before Matt and I have to work on closing the door to this and 2016. 

Second was the loss of our boy Oscar this year in March. I still cannot believe it is real and I think about him EVERY SINGLE DAY. The grief of loosing Oscar was the worst pain I have ever been thru. (HERE is one of the posts on Oscar) I literally cannot even make it thru writing these words because I miss him so much and the pain is so deep. Oscar Savage was one of the lights and loves of my life. 
 This year was full of disappointment and sadly disappointment in people that I am still working thru but it also brought out the best in some people who were absolutely there of me/us all year and I thank them so very much. Now here we have the last week of 2016 and tomorrow I am having all 5 (yes 5) of my wisdom teeth cut out and I am SO SCARED. I know this is routine and everyone does this for the most part but that doesn't make it easier for me. Typical 2016, ending with a crap-tastic bang.
 You know I am not gonna lie I am in a funk and I am having a hard time looking forward to 2017. How do you change your thinking when for 3 year the #1 goals was to get pregnant. I am scared because I have 2 elderly animals and I cant go thru that again, I am just scared. But quoting my husband here "You'll survive" ya, I will. Goodbye 2016 you are written across my heart forever for so many reasons.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am sure you will read this as you recover from your wisdom teeth extraction. Oral surgery is VERY scary. I won't even let them knock me out completely. I know they think I am crazy, and hearing all the sounds is not pleasant but, I have the fear of not waking up.

You truly are the bravest woman I know for what you have gone through the past 12 months! I look at all those needles alone and the physical endurance that took. I know the mental and emotional healing will continue longer then 12/31/16 but, hopefully the pain will get easier with time.

You survived and then some but, those words are easy to say! I just wanted to help remind you of the one big positive to end 2016, and that is the arrival of little Elway! I know he is/was a lot of work and patience but, he is a positive little furry blessing to your fur family.

I will keep Abner, Ralphie, and Bella in prayer for good health. I am not sure who is older (along with Abner)...you said two were up in age. Hope your recovery is not too bad. Sending positive thoughts your way.


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