Friday, August 26, 2016

Follow-Up Update

I wanted to update you all on our Doctors appt yesterday, I know so many of you have invested yourselves into our story and we appreciate that.
My doctor came out to the waiting room and gave me a huge bear hug and then walked me back to his office with his arms around me. It was a kind gesture but it kinda felt like I was being led to the lethal injection room. But really.
It was a long talk and I will give you the highlights.....

* I am not a candidate for IVF again, but he said if I was like insistent on doing it a 3rd time he would but I need to know the chances of it working are less than 15%. Why would I do that again, put myself thru that to essentially fail and waste money again?

* We both then wanted to discuss all other options thru his office such as Gestational Carrier and that was immediately ruled out because the price tag can reach 100K. Last I checked we are not rich. 

* His recommendation is donor egg. We would go thru a Donor Egg agency and essentially adopt an egg from a person we choose and vet, that person would do IVF to get the eggs, the mature eggs would be combined with Matt's sperm and then I would undergo a round similar to IVF to prep my body to transfer the embryo to me. He said the chances of success are good, around 60%. But the cost out of our pocket is around $35,000.  Is 60% worth that, it is worth being biologically 1/2 of us? If it fails we are literally OUT 35k??

* We asked about adoption but he is in the business of fertility so he had negative things to say and pointed out all the worst case scenarios. Which was not great for Matt to hear. I get it, thats his job and yes... with a donor egg we would be screening the person for everything in the world and know 100% she is in TOP health and adoption you don't get that. Also, adoption is upwards of $35,000.

** Many of you have suggested a second opinion, and that is an option. But do I want to start over? Do it all again? A lot goes into this also. But yes, I have thought about it.

Conclusion: First we need to rob a bank. Second, We have none, honestly we got home and didn't even talk about the visit. I think we were both hungry, we both just heard that I personally will never have a biological child, who wants to discuss that over dinner?
GOOD news is ... I made a chocolate cake yesterday afternoon because I figured we would need it!
Next: I am going to start research on Adoption Attorneys here in Denver and Adoption Agencies, I want to set up a meeting with them as well. I want all options laid out so we can make an educated decision. You know Matt said, "maybe we don't have children". And maybe we don't. But I also think that is just the heartbreak talking right now. It's also going to be hard to figure out either way how do we get the money after this past year. Take out a note? Sell a car? I dunno.
How am I: In complete denial. No, really. Completely.  How do you process information like that? I have not at all. It's like I don't know how. I feel like I let Matt down and my parents. Who in the last few years talk about how stunning a child of ours will be but now we mostly likely will never know. This is a loss for them too, they have been beside me for every step and are grieving this week also. Hearing your parents cry is so very hard. So I guess right now I seem to be more concerned with everyone else than myself, which is very "me". I dunno, thats the best answer I DUNNO. How do you process the BIGGEST milestone to happen in ones life?

I saw this quote on a infertility Facebook page yesterday and it HIT HOME..........
"The truth is, there is a fine line between continued perseverance and acknowledging that you have had enough and it is time to stop"


Stephanie said...

I am so sorry Nicole! I wish I had something great to say..... I just want you to know that I think you are amazing! You are a complete inspiration to me. You have helped me take a step back and recognize every great thing in my life. You two are awesome and deserve the best. It will come!

Anonymous said...

You do have to know your own limits of when you should stop. I suggest therapy, individual and couples, to get in touch with that sadness, anger, fear, and grief. So hard to process, but it can be done with some extra help and tools to dealing with such a huge loss.

Aly Sampson said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I found your blog when we started going through our first round of IVF this summer and have kept you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are able to take the time to grieve. Fertility issues are just not fair and sometimes we just need permission to be sad and mad and grieve.

Thinking about you and praying for your big decisions again!


Aly Sampson said...

I found your blog when we started our first round of IVF this summer. I have been and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers! I hope you are able to take some time to grieve and are surrounded by loving friends and family that support you while you are going through this.

Sending thoughts and prayers!


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