Monday, August 22, 2016

Failure (LONG post ahead)

This right here folks is what 7 Failed IUI's and 2 Failed IVF cycles look like in real life...........

 Oh ya, I am the proud recipient of each of those needles and honestly I will keep them. Possibly forever as a reminder of how strong I am and what we went thru. I know it sounds weird but if you have been thru it you'll get it. This is my participation trophy.

I use "most likely" a lot in this post and what I mean is there is always a .01% chance of a miracle.

SO last week in my IVF update post HERE  I told you all that after our IVF egg retrieval was cancelled my doctor did one last "Hail Mary" by inseminating me via our 7th IUI. Technically we shouldn't know if it worked or not until THIS coming weekend but my body decided that it didn't want us waiting around on pins and needles (ha) and it gave me the answer this weekend.... I started my period. So no, our 7th IUI has also failed. Starting my period 9 days early is crazy but not so bizarre, it's like after IVF your body is so mad at you that it literally wants everything out (gross, I know) so my period saying HOLA early isn't unusual. I have called my doctors office and informed them and we now have our follow up appointment/ discuss optional next steps THIS Thursday at 4:30.

What does this mean? We knew going into this IVF cycle that if these changes in medicines produced better results than last time but didn't work that we could possibly do a 3rd cycle. But we also knew that if this cycle didn't produce positive and better results than last time that "most likely" I would no longer be a candidate for IVF. And I shared that information with you all a few months ago. Since starting my period this weekend I am going to be honest we haven't had time to discuss this together, Matt and I nor have we had time to process what we are feeling. But oddly yesterday both of us felt like lying on the couch and watching movies all day. It was an unspoken feeling that we both needed a day to relax and give our brains a break.

How do you process that you just found out that you will "most likely" never have a biological child. Or at least not one from us both. You see after trying for 1 year and then 1 FULL year of infertility treatments this started out as a sperm problem then once we really got into IVF we realized this is an egg problem. Sperm, is an "easier" solution, you just need 1 good one of out the thousand you are given. But if you body doesn't give you an egg.... then your screwed. (or not screwed, hello... is this mic on? I'm trying to lighten the mood) SO we are going to learn more about an egg donor on Thursday. But even with an egg donor and if that becomes an embryo with the sperm I will still have to go thru an IVF cycle to "prep" my body for the embryo and I am going to be honest with you all as I have been with Matt........ I am not sure I can do it again. It sounds so easy when you type it out, like come on Nicole but after this last cycle and almost ending up in the ER, it's hard to describe but you guys I was so sick I cannot put it into words. I gave this MORE than a college try... ONE FULL YEAR of infertility treatments, needles, painful procedures, disappointment, money. And yes, WE both did this together but it's the women body who does all the heavy lifting. So ya, I talk in first person instead of we. I am 100% into learning more about the alternative options and my husband is someone who needs to exhaust everything before moving on, so we shall and we will.

Now, before someone comments and says "Why don't you JUST adopt" let me talk. Absolutely. It has always been something I am 100% open to. But we had to go down this path first, like I said exhaust all our options before moving in that direction. Am I ready to move to that path? Yes, I honestly think I am. But it is so complicated....... First of all after all we spent this past year where are we going to get $30,000-$40,000 to adopt? That doesn't magically happen and we haven't discussed this option yet between us, I am just speaking on the cuff here. Matt needs to focus on what is currently going on and not talk about what if. I like to talk about what if. We need to have this conversation about egg donor with our doctor on Thursday first, learn about that before Matt can have this second conversation with me also. If we choose this path of adoption we will need time to mourn. We haven't even had time to mourn what we found out this weekend. Time to grieve for what could have been, time to get our minds right before moving in a new direction. Infertility is so emotional in so many ways that you can't understand unless you go thru it. It is complicated and complex on a marriage also, we all deal with things differently. Me... sadly I have a hard time expressing emotion, hard time grieving this loss... I told my bestie on the phone last week I just "Can't" and she said she has cried everyday for me and I told her to keep it up.... express those emotions for me. ha! But for real. I push things down deep inside and they bubble up as's who I am. Matt doesn't like to discuss the negative and for him it bubbles up as rage. We are all different people and I know people who have done all this and it comes out differently for them too. I will say this time, this past week I have been MAD.... mad at the situation, mad at myself and mad at other people too. Why don't they understand what I am going thru I think and I get mad.... it's all so hard. And being sooooo honest and real on here is hard. I worry about people who will judge, who will think..... who the hell knows what they could think.....

But you know WHY I do this?????? Because over the past year as I walk you thru this process of mine I have gotten countless messages from friends who thank me. Because they did this and see themselves in me, friends who are doing this and don't know anyone else who feels like they do and people who are learning about what their friends and family have gone thru. THATS why I do this......
Sometimes I think maybe that is why I went thru all this, maybe I am a small voice for those who can't speak up about this. Who knows.

I will obviously let you all know how Thursday goes and what we learn our next steps could be, because I am an "over-sharer". HA! But really, I would like to hope Matt and I can spent some time learning about options and then pick one to put our positive thoughts and efforts towards. This wading in the water isn't my jam.
Once again thank you all for your kinds words and prayers... Thank you to my parents Sunday School class especially for all your prayers, I appreciate it. And right now pray that God can help us each work thru our own process of grief and that we can see clearly on what the next steps for us will be. And ya, more than anything I would LOVE to see what a small human made up of both Matt and I could be. Would it be a dancer? A baseball player like Matt? Would it be chatty like me? Who would it look like? Would he or she be blonde and have blue eyes like Matt and I? What personality traits of mine would they have or would they be more like Matt? And we will always have to grieve that, work thru getting past that and it will be something we will always have to continue to work thru.




Anonymous said...

I was holding it together until your last few sentences, I am crying at my desk! I know that has to be the hardest Nicole! I will shed more tears here too and pray as y'all grieve. Do not feel selfish AT ALL if you choose to not put your body through another IVF, the world almost lost you and you are too amazing to lose!

Thanks for 'oversharing' and never apologize for it, it helps others heal as well and know that they are not alone!

Sending you and Matt huge hugs from Texas.

Sarah Couture said...

Nicole, I hope you do realize how strong of a woman you are after this journey you have been on both physically and emotionally. Your raw honesty is amazing, I always think, "man I couldn't do this like she does". I will keep you in my prayers that you are both able to have that time to grieve and then figure out your next steps. Remember so it all on you and Matt's time, don't let anyone else pressure you into a timeline for a decision on what your next step is.
Hugs and prayers from Florida,


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