Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Strong

I know so many of you have been praying for our "Little Egg That Could" and there is no beating around the bush, our Little Egg That Could..... Couldn't. We got the call yesterday that our fertilized egg didn't divide and was in fact no longer viable. Thus ending our 1st IVF try.
I'm gonna be honest here I am not sure what to say, I will say that for a lot of people this doesn't work on the first try and that is part of the cruelty of this process. IVF is SO invasive and SO expensive and when it ends in a loss that is particularly hard. I think back to our 6 failed IUI's and the past 2 months during this IVF cycle and I think .... wow. I mean it's a lot. I also make a constant effort to remind myself how strong I am and how I have been able to go thru so much more than I ever thought I could over this past year. I am stronger than I know and so is Matt.

I'm also gonna be honest here and tell you neither Matt or I have really truly processed this information yet, we are a bit numb. Tomorrow we are going to meet with our Fertility team in the time slot that was to be our embryo transfer and we are going to discuss what went wrong and where to go from here. Are we candidates after this cycle to try this again? And if we take the Summer off is that counterproductive? Should we strike now while all the hormones are in my system? Those are all things we don't know and we hopefully will tomorrow. I think after that conversation we can process this better.
We are trying not to go down that rabbit hole of looking back over the past month and seeing what all I put myself thru and feeling sad, we are trying not to think about where are we going to get the funds to do this again?? Sadly, when IVF doesn't work the money put into it is a huge loss. BUT.... but.... this is one we do NOT regret at all, we are both in agreement of this.

Starting April 24-April 30 is Infertility Awareness week and the statistic is 1 in 8 couples have been medically diagnosed with infertility. Most people are not open like I am about this for good reason.... there is uneducated comments, judgement and many emotions that we open ourselves to when speaking about this. BUT it is that one email I receive and in fact did last week from a friend who told me how much I was helping them. That makes this worth it. The emotional component of dealing with other peoples emotions on this is something I was prepared for and I do struggle with.

I want to thank everyone of you who prayed and sent positive vibes to us during this past IVF cycle as well as the past 6 IUI's. And sadly we will continue to need your prayers as we decide what direction to head into next. But your support is so wonderful and we thank you. I also, We also want to thank everyone for your thoughts on the passing of our boy Oscar too. This past month has been BRUTAL but we are strong. Not one day goes by that we don't miss Oscar more than words and in fact this week I got the most beautiful gift I could have ever gotten...we got a custom portrait of our Oscar from a great friend and we couldn't cherish anything more.

I am gonna be off blogging for about a week.... Saturday since I am no longer going to be on bed rest from the embryo transfer I am heading to Oklahoma to celebrate my 35th Birthday with my family and to celebrate my baby sister at her Wedding shower. It's a quick 3 day trip, I don't want to be away from Matt for long but I am getting to cheer on my THUNDER at Mondays playoff game while I am home! SO if you are gonna be at the game I want you to reach out so I can say HELLO!!
So follow me on FB and Instagram for my trip home memories!

I will leave you all with this fitting quote......

6 comments:

Karin Rowe said...

I'm so sorry.

Jamie said...

Sending you big giant hugs sweet friend!! Hoping for answers at your appointment and peace about how to move forward! XOXOXO

Andy and Nicole Kidd said...

Hello! I've been reading your blog casually for a few years so I feel like I know you :) Plus we're both named Nicole, were former dancers and got married in the same month and year! I've never really commented but I just wanted to tell you, I think you're such a strong person! It's amazing what you've gone through in the past few months and I was hoping so hard that IVF would work out for you and your husband. You are doing so many woman a service by talking so honestly about your struggles and you should be very proud of that!

Anonymous said...

This must be so difficult. Have you all considered surrogacy? I don't even know what all that entails, but I just wondered if it would be a viable option for you. It sucks to feel like your body is betraying you. Hang in there.

Sarah Couture said...

So sorry to hear this news. You and Matt are in my prayers. I hope that your IVF team can give you answers to your questions and help you and Matt make an informed decision about what is the right next step for you guys. Make a list of questions so you don't forget any at the meeting, for some reason I feel you have probably already done this though.
On a happier note I hope you enjoy your time in OKC, have some Ted's for me. I miss OKC 😔

-Sarah

megan bressler said...

Nicole, it totally freaking sucks that you are having to do this. You are going to be such a great mom some day! I love how so many people read your blog!! And I can't wait for a few years from now when I can tell all my new MO friends about your awesome must-read blog for MOMS!!

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