Monday, March 21, 2016

Pain

Right now I am sitting at my desk behind my computer and my office is in my master bedroom. From my desk I look out towards my bed and today onto the empty spot where Oscar should be. You see I am inseperable from my fur-kids, Matt traveled 5 days a week in Ohio so it was literally just me and them. Here Matt works late 3 nights a week and I am not currently working.... so 99% of my life is literally just me and my animals. My day runs around them, their routine is my my routine. And since his diagnosis with cancer 5 months ago Oscar and I become more attached at the hip. Every single day he spent all morning napping and watching me from the bed while I blogged, did school or paid bills. Every single day he knew when it was time to go upstairs with me and it gave him... well the both of us such joy. But here it is Monday, sadly and my bed is empty. His snuggle blanket is still there and it smells like him but he is not in it.
In Ohio when Oscar had back surgery I literally had to re-teach him how to walk. For a solid month I had to hold him up each time he went to the bathroom, carry him everywhere and do his rehab to build up his back again. That is just another time that is written in my heart that bonded us together so closely. He is 1/5 of my world. And now that world has a huge gaping hole and the pain for me is unbearable. I went back and forth between crying and sitting around like a zombie all weekend, as did Matt.  But today is Monday and I am suppose to resume my routine but the glue is missing. The bossy little tan glue is not here.

Today I go to my infertility doctor and we start the IVF process, we will be "mapping" out my "insides" for the upcoming procedures and I will be having a ton of blood work... I am so scared about giving so much blood. But I also know I am going to cry like a crazy person in the office when they ask me how I have been. How am I suppose to turn my head around and put such positivity into this process right now when I am not ok. UGH.

Thank you all for listening, if you know me then you know that me getting this all out of my head is part of my healing process. It won't be pretty and it will be old but I pray it helps me. I also ask that you all pray that Oscar is surrounded by happiness and light while he makes the journey to start his new life elsewhere. I worry, he is so small..... will he make it to heaven ok? What if he gets lost? Is he happy? And this line of thought goes on and on and on and on.............
My heart hurts.

2 comments:

Kendra Kelley said...

Talk it out, Nicole. It will help. I'm praying for you right now. You have so much going on and Oscar passing, yet started the process for a baby, totally different ends of the stressful spectrum but it's a lot. You are an incredibly strong person and I'll admit, I've looked up to you when you moved from Oklahoma, when we did in July.

Irma Torralba said...

Rest assured that your sweet boy Oscar has made it to heaven. I am sure by now he has whispered inGod's ear and asked that you be filled with happiness and light as you start your journey on this IVF process. Nicole, your dear fur baby is now a fur angel . You are in my prayers. You are an inspiration to many. You have shared so much with us, thank you for letting us share In your sorrow.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

@okienicole

Okie a la Mode
<div class="grab-button" margin: 0 auto;"><a href="http://www.okiealamode.com/" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i909.photobucket.com/albums/ac293/munchkin_land_designs/BlogDesigns2/OkiealaMode/OkiealaModeButton1.png" alt="Okie a la Mode"></div>

My Bookshelf

Designed By:


Munchkin Land Designs

Categories

#BabyMakingDays #givingtuesday #hitchthehendersons #IVF #RHOBH 1every15 1in8 2014 2015 2016 2017 33 41 4th a' la mode abner about me ad Africa alcatraz animals anniversary anthropologie asian authors awards baby babymakingdays barsilinga baseball beach beauty because I said I would becky bedroom Bella best of the year Big Sis/Little Sis bikes birchbox birthdays blog award blog challenge blog sale blogs boards book club books boston botox breck broadmoor broncos cali car casa savage castle rock causes Challenge changetheworld charity Charleston Christian Christmas clearblue closet sale colorado colorado springs columbus comiccon community outreach concerts contest cooking country chic couponing crafty current events Curtis dance date night day trip debates DECASO decor Denver deotx deployment design dinner for one dinning room district office DIY doctors dogs dolphins drinks DSWT earl Elephant elway engaged estes park faith Fall fall fashion fall food famil Family Farmers fashion fathers day fblogger Fenway fertility friday fertility planit Five for Friday food football Friday Funny friends FSBO Fun funny furkids gameday garage Sale gentle barn getaway getting to know me gift ideas gifts girls trip Give Aways give back glee goals God God Daughters goodies granddad grief grilled Guest Posts guests Halloween haunted health hello fresh history holiday holidays hollywood home home decor house house hunting hubby husband incubus infertility inspirational instagram interior design invisible children it works IUI IVF IVF2 iworry jeans jewelry JH job Junior League KD Kendall kitchen kol kony LA labor day Life Life Church lions lip sense love maine makeup Marine Marissa marriage matt meal plans meatless medium meds memories mexico Migraines military MLB mom monday moore mothers day move movies musical my 2 cents NBA new home New Year noah office Ohio okc okie oklahoma old pics ootd Oprah organize oscar oscars OU outfits outlander paranormal party patio peru pet photo shoot pinterest planner playoffs plus size politics pond prayer quiz real estate reality TV realtyONE Recipes red rocks relocation resolutions restore Reviews rockies Rosine sale salem San Diego san fran savage savagesellscolorado Savannah Scentsy SECOR secret secrets shopping silly sizzlin style skin snow sponsored sports spring staging stapleton staycation Stella and Dot strength style boards styled stylin summer summer slim down surlatable SYTYCD tailgate taji tattoo tbt Thankful Thursdays thanksgiving the cove thoughts throwback thunder tobi today show topper club tornado tour trailers TTC tutorial TV twilight tybee island update Vacation valentines day vegan vest visit volunteer wayfair wedding weekend weight loss weirdness What I'm Loving whatsfordinner willow house wine wineshopathome winter work working it workwear WW
 
Designed by Munchkin Land Designs • Copyright 2014 • All Rights Reserved