Monday, March 21, 2016
In Ohio when Oscar had back surgery I literally had to re-teach him how to walk. For a solid month I had to hold him up each time he went to the bathroom, carry him everywhere and do his rehab to build up his back again. That is just another time that is written in my heart that bonded us together so closely. He is 1/5 of my world. And now that world has a huge gaping hole and the pain for me is unbearable. I went back and forth between crying and sitting around like a zombie all weekend, as did Matt. But today is Monday and I am suppose to resume my routine but the glue is missing. The bossy little tan glue is not here.
Today I go to my infertility doctor and we start the IVF process, we will be "mapping" out my "insides" for the upcoming procedures and I will be having a ton of blood work... I am so scared about giving so much blood. But I also know I am going to cry like a crazy person in the office when they ask me how I have been. How am I suppose to turn my head around and put such positivity into this process right now when I am not ok. UGH.
Thank you all for listening, if you know me then you know that me getting this all out of my head is part of my healing process. It won't be pretty and it will be old but I pray it helps me. I also ask that you all pray that Oscar is surrounded by happiness and light while he makes the journey to start his new life elsewhere. I worry, he is so small..... will he make it to heaven ok? What if he gets lost? Is he happy? And this line of thought goes on and on and on and on.............
My heart hurts.